"Look, No Hands!" -- A Re-defining View of Purity

I was ready for a change. It had been years since I had last cut my hair and I was looking forward to something new. Since I placed so much value on my hair, it was a big risk to cut it above my shoulders. Nonetheless, I walked into the hair salon that day confident and excited, and a couple hours later, walked out an embarrassed mess. The hair dresser had been harsh and rude and my hair looked like a mushroom. Once back home, I fumbled around in the bathroom trying to get my hair to look decent in some fashion, but it was to no avail. My hair was cut and I couldn’t undo my decision.

Similarly, our decision whether or not to stay pure is a decision that can’t be revoked. My hair can go grow back, thankfully, but the way we direct our thoughts and emotions now has a lasting effect that can’t be undone.

When it comes to purity, we Christians often say, “Look, no hands! I’ve never kissed or held hands with anyone.” But purity is more than skin-deep. The battle for purity in our thoughts and emotions is often the biggest struggle and an equally important one. In order to fight this battle, we need to first know what emotional purity is, why we should guard our thoughts and emotions, and how to do so.

To me, the phrase “emotional purity” almost sounds cliché. People often see it as that optional but impossible step to stay isolated from the world until you get married, but there is much value in this aspect of reserving oneself for a future spouse. To remain pure is to remain undefiled or unstained, and in regard to our emotions, it means we are to guard our thoughts in such a way that our emotions and thoughts remain unstained by unripe romantic thoughts. In her book “Before You Meet Prince Charming”, Sarah Mally gives a clear definition of what emotional purity is.

“Being reserved for one includes not only physical purity but emotional purity as well. This requires guarding our hearts, our minds, our thoughts, our words, our emotions, and our eyes. It means saving that close, intimate friendship for one man only, avoiding premature emotional attachments, and staying free from the intimate bonds that can form so easily, but are then painful to dissolve. Emotional purity includes guarding our eyes from those “fun” romantic glances and stares, keeping our hearts from being poured out until the right time, and taking captive thoughts that want to run wild with fantasies and dreams.”

Emotional purity isn’t just a “good idea” though. In fact, Scripture commands it. Philippians 4:18 asserts, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy– think about such things.” In 2nd Timothy 2:20-22, Paul compares it to fancy dishes. Hearts that are set apart, pure and holy, are like my mom’s special china plates sitting in the cupboard for special occasions or to be used for guests. Paul writes, “Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” Fancy dishes are valuable and useful to the master. God says to be like them by cleansing or purifying oneself of dishonorable things and fleeing youthful passions.

We can have a broad knowledge of what it really means to be pure, but if we don’t understand the value of staying pure, if we don’t know why we should stay emotionally pure in the first place, chances are we’re not going to guard our hearts. We rarely protect what we don’t deem valuable. If it’s not enough to guard your thoughts and emotions simply because the Bible commands it, there are at least three other valid reasons to keep your emotions on a leash.

First, and maybe the most obvious, is a happier, healthier, and more meaningful marriage. The common misconception is that as long as you don’t give some of your body away physically, your marriage won’t be affected. In marriage, however, there are many other firsts beyond the first kiss. There are the first words of affection or love, first gift given or received, first romantic look into his eyes, first personal letter expressing emotions, first piece of your heart given. The emotionally pure seek the route to save as many firsts as possible in order to make their marriage the best it can be.

The second and equally important reason to guard one’s emotions is to be a more useful instrument in the hands of the Lord, free from the distractions that come from romantic daydreams and emotional attachments. Marriages require much time and many commitments. The Lord has given young, single people a high calling and has placed them in a time and place where they can be mightily used by Him. I’m not saying that love makes you useless to the Lord, but I can attest to the truth that un-ripe romantic thoughts can hinder one’s walk and distract from living life in 100% devotion and service to the Lord.

Last, if nothing else, we should pursue emotional purity for our own good. Many people in our society today get tangled up in pre-mature relationships and emotional attachments, simply because they thought finding a “love of their life” would make them happy. Truth be told, they’re looking for personal joy in the wrong place. So much hurt can come from emotional attachments and many hearts can be broken by unnecessary commitments. We like to think that thoughts alone can’t harm us. But thoughts are attached to emotions. And emotions can hurt. Thoughts also lead to actions. And actions can really hurt. Jesus says in John 10:10, “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full.” The source of real life and happiness isn’t in any love that humans can give, but in the joy of a relationship with the Lord.

How to go about doing all this is the real question though. It’s nice to think nice thoughts of our ideals and think of how good it’ll be for us, but how do we go about applying that to our everyday life?

You can start taking control of your emotions and thoughts by trying some suggestions from Sarah Mally.

• Don’t talk about him (or her) with your friends.
• Don’t intentionally do anything that will stir up more thoughts about him. (i.e. don’t put pictures of him up on your wall.)
• Don’t tell him how you feel about him or give any indications that you might be interested.
• Don’t dwell on thoughts of him or let yourself get carried away with dreamy imaginations.

Scripture implies that we aren’t just to remove impure thoughts, but rather to fill the space they left with good ones! Think about what is pure and excellent.

• So fill your mind with Scripture. Crowd it with good thoughts so there’s no room for ungodly ones.
• Pray. Every time these thoughts enter your mind, you can pray for the one who you’re struggling with thoughts about or for your future husband. Or just choose a certain person or thing in need of prayer and pray for that each time you are distracted with such thoughts.

Please don’t take this as a strict list of “do or your dead” rules from the expert, but rather live by the principle, “how much can I save for my future husband (or wife)?” The question isn’t, “How much do I have to do to get by and still be considered pure?” The question is, “What are you doing to guard as much of your heart as you can?” It’s not about avoiding the worst, but rather striving for the best.

The battle for emotional purity, the guarding of thoughts and emotions to preserve a clean and pure heart, is not an easy quest, but the rewards are great. It’s easy for us, especially as Christians, to say, “Look, no hands!” But what about the heart and mind? If the Lord looked there would He find a clean heart? The decision to remain emotionally pure is one that can’t be changed. After my hair was cut, there was no gluing it back on, trying to cover up the mistakes. The consequences of my haircut seemed horrendous at the time, but they were minor in comparison to those we make in how we direct our thoughts each day.

I encourage you, brothers and sisters, take the next step to preserve your heart for the Lord and your future spouse. Take the idea of emotional purity seriously and seek to guard your hearts and your minds. Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable. Think about such things.

[Also posted at www.crosseyedblog.com]